Just stuffs.
Harini birthday Abah. Sedih gila kot. Kesian dekat Abah, orang lain sambut birthday dengan family dekat rumah, but he is thousands of miles away from us. I feel like crying. Hell, I am crying. The things he would do for us sometimes makes me want to shake myself for not being grateful enough. He’s a really selfless and a patient man, always making sure his children have the best of everything. I miss him a lot. And I love him even more.
Shit, it’s 1am and I’m crying. Hell. I need to toughen up and stop. Can’t afford to show up at work tomorrow with my puffy blooshot eyes. Right, okay.
Rase macam baru pindah je. Alas, last day of having a room to my own. Lepas ni dah kene share dgn Hanim who doesn’t share the same sentiment as me when it comes to kerja kerja mengemas.
We’ll see how it goes. Kalau serabai sgt, she can go pack her stuffs and tido dengan Mai je.
One of the best part of having Abah home (yeah, he’s home right now on a one week holiday) is that we get to go shopping. With emak, shopping is a bit limited, we still get to buy stuffs and all but not as much as when Abah is home. Which was what we did yesterday. I told Abah I wanted a queen sized bed so we went out shopping for my room and Mai’s and also did some retail shopping because you know, heh.
So right now my room is all cleared out and I’m just waiting for the furniture guy to come so I could start sorting them out. Can’t wait to channel out my inner Eric Leong. The downside of all this is that I’m so going to be very exhausted from all the kemas mengemas.
“It is a strange thing, but when you are dreading something, and would give anything to slow down time, it has a disobliging habit of speeding up.”
It’s the other way around with me right now. I just can’t wait for the results to just come out already. Waiting sucks. Big time. I just want to know ny results and then see where it’s all going to take me. But hell, I can’t even plan because my targets are all over the place. This sucks. I’m so bored at home most of the time whenever my sisters are all at school, and even when they’re home they’re always too tired to just chill with me. I could always find a job but Dad is sort of against the idea and I know he meant well but god this sucks.
What sucks even more is knowing that your friends are all out there doing something with their life and you’re just, well, there. I don’t know. I especially hate this because in the end I’m the one who’s going to feel like shit for saying all of this, because I will just feel guilty for not being grateful with what I already have. But really, is wanting the best for yourself a bad thing? Oh god. I just don’t like being idle. Sitting around the house doing nothing just doesn’t sit well with me. I need to always have something to do otherwise I’ll go crazy and right now, I think I’m already halfway there.
It’s midnight now and I’m lying in bed listening to the Avett Brothers and it hits me just how fast everything is happening. Izzah is starting her first day of kindergarten tomorrow. Izzah. Yes, Izzah my little sister. Even thinking about it makes me want to cry. She’s still so tiny. But she is so big now, all ready and excited to go to school. I’m crying even as I’m typing this. Izzah. My little rascal. Selalu kena marah dengan aku tapi kalau orang lain marah dia habislah aku ngamuk. She’s my little baby and if anyone is going to yell at her it’s going to be me. My smart beautiful sweet and not to forget annoying little rascal. You’re only going to kindergarten and you’ll be back before 12pm but hell I can barely even hold back my tears. Selalunya lepas Izzah bangun tido terus gi bilik Kakya tengok Kakya dah bangun belum tapi lepas ni dah takde dah kot. Sedihnya.
It’s all happening too fast kot. I mean, I have always known this but to see all of these happening right in front of me makes me feel unsure what to feel. I’m sad, but also happy and scared and it’s insane. But what’s weird or maybe not so, is that despite all this happening too fast I still wouldn’t want to slow time down. Maybe it’s good that everything is happening or rather just passing me by, in a way I guess.
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